I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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