i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
