1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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