i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
