I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
