And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
