the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
