Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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