the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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