He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
