why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
