i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
