I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
