college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Randomize
