my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
