We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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