She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
