she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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