i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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