We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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