I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Oh god it's open bar.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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