Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
