YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
