Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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