meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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