some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
