do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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