he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
