When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
