Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
