hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
