Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
