Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
