I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
