chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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