She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
