that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
