remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
