So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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