my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
