Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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