I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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