Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The adults are the big ones right?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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