my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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