Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
