So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
