oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
