haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
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