Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
