Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
